How can I temporarily reflect on a painful situation to pause, calm down, and bring about a healing of the pain to allow me to begin behaving in accordance with my values?


In contrast to avoiding, reflecting is thinking about, meditating on or pondering your frustrations, anger and other values violation reactions after leaving the situation where your values were violated. You may be by yourself or with a reflecting partner or partners. You reflect about your frustration in a different context . . . one that is safe for you and doesn't harm anyone directly, nor their reputation. The purpose is to bring about your healing related to what happened in the situation and how you reacted to it. Reflecting is a natural method of healing for those whose tendency under stress is avoiding.

What to do:

A good way to start is to review what happened and reflect on your frustrations about the situation. Then think deeply about your values, what you want and the alternative reactions and responses you could use to create a win for all concerned.

Conditions for appropriate use with others:

Your reflecting partner needs to agree to listen and be supportive to help you deal positively with the situation. Furthermore, your reflecting partner, needs to be someone not immediately affected by the person or the situation.


Reflecting allows you to think about, meditate or pray about a situation that has violated your values in some way. With or without an appropriate "reflecting partner" you can heal your hurt and stress without avoiding (and therefore prevent harming or ending) the relationships that are involved with the situation. Once you have sufficiently healed, you can begin planning and designing ways to deal with the situation productively, whereby you, the others involved and the organization all benefit from what you do. The alternative is to react immediately, before healing, and the likely result is to do harm.